"Art of Dating" - Song of Songs 1:8-17, 2:1-7
When you spend time and cultivate the right relationship, through regard and respect, it automatically results in the 3rd thing needed in dating....... and that's to elevate.
By the time an American couple begins to date, they have likely been bombarded by negative stereotypes, or suffer bouts with low self-esteem from: racism, sexism, classism, poor education or from someone playing the dozens. So we must work to elevate the esteem of the one we have spent time with and have cultivated respect.
Sisters, she is speaking. Look at what she says about herself in vs 2:1 - I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. Notice that she uses singular nouns. Neither a rose nor a lily grow in clusters. She says “I’m the most special woman on the face of the earth”. In chapter 1 how did she feel about herself? “Don’t stare at me because I’m not feeling that attractive.” Now she’s feeling beautiful and outstanding. Why? Because this fellow has treated her so lofty. The men in my family tend to be perfect providers and builders, but terrible at making their woman feel special. This is a made to order condition that renders our wives vulnerable to affairs. I had to counsel the wife of one relative (both are active in church), through her temptation, during her affair and back to restoration. It was heart wrenching for me, because he loves his family and has worked by his hands and back for her, beyond what most men could even imagine. But he lacks the desire for spending time with her, nor understands how to regard and respect her, or the value of elevating her. So men, if you don’t treat her special, the devil will find someone who will.
Dating Grows into Courtship
After devoting time in dating, cultivated regard and respect, and elevating the other's self-esteem, this couple's relationship grows from dating to courting. This woman’s esteem goes up – vs 2:2 - Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. In other words, every other woman in the world is hands off. And you are the singular most glorified, most wonderful in all the universe. Do you think it makes a woman’s heart throb when her man tells her that? Fellows, if you want your woman to admire you, then treat her like a singular queen. In Vs 3, not only does her view of herself goes up, but look at what she thinks of this man. Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. Meaning, no other guy meets any need that I have. Think about it, an apple tree in a forest unlike the other trees in that forest provides nourishment in addition to shade. Therefore she says, So, I delight to sit in his shade. Shade denotes, he is able to comfort and care, and its apples denote he provide for her. This is the proper attitude to a man courting a singular woman. Ephesians 5:28 puts it like this, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” This means your woman is to never feel afraid to get close to you. She needs to feel assured that you will never hurt her, belittle her, or relate to her in a harsh way. Then, submitting to you will seem like the most logical thing in the world for her to do.
She goes on to say...."and his fruit is sweet to my taste." Meaning he nourishes her. Imagine someone trying to hit on the woman in your life by saying, “Baby, your beauty radiates over and above a room full of super models”. Would his rap pale to her when compared to the apple juice and shade that you provide her?
Sign of Their Courtship
He provides for her, he protects her and she says, - vs 4 He has taken me to the banquet hall. That’s an open public place. We are no longer looking at a picnic date. They’ve jumped public to a black tie dinner (courtship). "and his banner over me is love." - Let me tell you what this means.
· Generals in the field would identify their troops by a banner.
· They fought under the general and banner, because He owned them.
· In Exodus 17:15, Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner.
This man owned this woman's heart (in a sincere affectionate sense) and she willing gave herself to him. What was her mark of ownership? It was his love! Love was the banner under which she identified! This means that in open public you can tell by the way this man treated this woman, that he loved her (courtship). So brothers, here’s some advice:
· Open her door, pull her chair out, and sit down with her.
· Walk with her, not in front of her. This is your “singular rose”.
· When you meet someone, you introduce her to them. Don't break off in a conversation with the guys.
· When you marry and have kids, don't let your children challenge your wife. Check them!
Her self-esteem and love for this man grows because he provides, comforts, protects and he promotes her.
But that’s not all that grows!
Sexual Tension Grows (Don't start singing Marvin Gaye yet!)
SS 2:5 Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. Raisin cakes were considered by the Jews to be an aphrodisiac, because they were full of seeds. Pagans used raisins in worship. Hosea in 3:1 holds Israel in contempt for following after other gods with raisin cakes. In 2 Samuel 6:19, when the father of this man, King David, returned the Ark of Covenant to Israel, he worshipped, danced his robe off and gave each person raisin cakes. And the bible said, then "all the people went home". They knew exact what time it was after having received raisin cakes. With the Ark restored, David expected God to bless the kingdom by broadening it, and therefore families were to "be fruitful and multiply"(now sing) .
Sex is in the air! This man’s woman is a sensuous woman who is so turned on, that she's love sick! She says he provides for me, he protects me, he promotes me. I admire him, I love him, he makes me feel like a queen.... “give me some raisin cakes”, [because I am love sick]. That is a passionate verse which means... I want him!
SS 2:6 His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. What position is that? It’s a sensually passionate, if not sexual, position. One tragedy of church history was to think of God as so Holy Other, that He is not concerned about passion, and that sex was sinful, and was only for procreation. Just ask this couple about godly passion [but first you might have to pry them apart]. This sister is all in and good to go! So, do you think in the next verse God says "Girl, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, how dare you nurse such carnal feelings!" Or, will the next verse say... "and receiving her clues Solomon went into her". Though this woman wants him, look at what the next verse says: SS 2:7a Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Solomon speaks of his woman as a vulnerable creature; graceful gazelle and tender brown eyed doe, as she is very much vulnerable in his arms in this position. He goes on to say… SS 2:7b "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." Solomon says what you are feeling is good, but it is waiting to be awakened on a later day.
See brothers, the man takes the initiative in abstinence during courtship. Your woman is geared to respond and give herself to a man like this ....... who spends time, .......who respects , who comforts and ......who elevates her.
So, what's the fourth thing that must grow during courtship?
· His admiration of her,
· Her admiration of him
· Their restraint.
The 4 things required in dating and courtship are:
1. Time
2. Cultivation of Respect
3. Elevation of Self-Esteem
4. Restraint - because the natural response to romance is to give yourself. That's how we are made. But sexual tension must be controlled or else it will become like a raging out of control fire.
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