Conflict With Your Mate "Song of Songs 5:10-16, 6:1-3"
Don't Leave God Out of the Fight
We’ve already learned that we must respond to God, rather than react to your spouse. Next, "Let God change your spouse". As much as my wife Nancy needs to change, there is no command in the bible for me to change her, nor for her to change me. Nor are we to teach one another a lesson. I am to love her, to teach love, to forgive her, but thank God, I don't have to play Holy Spirit by trying to change her. I do need to communicate my deepest heart feelings, but I don't have to change her.
Whenever a spouse tries to change their mate, that when the manipulation starts. You start bargaining and prostituting your mate. "I'll do these things, if you do this." That's not ministering, that's manipulation. Let God change them. So what are we to do with an abusive mate? Let God change him/her. I'm not talking about extremely physical abusive relationships, but relational abuse. When Pontius Pilate had a conflict with Jesus, he told Jesus "Don't you know that I have the authority to release you and the authority to crucify you"? Jesus told him, "You have no authority, unless my Father in heaven gives it to you". And from that moment on, Pilate sought how he might to release this dude, because he recognized that he was under God. So you better recognize, and let God change your mate.
Marital Growth From A Healthy Response
By not reacting to your spouse, but rather responding to God. Men, look at how this guy grew in his wife’s eyes - vs 10.
My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. - Brothers, we are notorious for thinking that we are less than a man, if we are kind to our wives. But this woman thinks of her man as being the bigger person (magnanimous - forgiving or generous. Look at how she brags, in next 6 verses, on her generous man. No woman brags about her angry husband. I've never attended a funeral where they boast about how mean and ornery a man was.
Vs 11a - His head is purest gold; - Meaning she respects his leadership as divinely ordained.... his integrity is likened unto pure gold.
Vs 11b - his hair is wavy and black as a raven. - There is no gray in his hair..... signifying his strength. He is strong because he can forgive.
vs 12a - His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, - In order for a vulnerable creature like a dove to be on the ground, completely at peace with its surroundings, it has to be confident and feel assured about life. She sees stability and confidence in his eyes. Her love for him increases, because even in her rejection of him, this man did not become easily unnerved with her. This man knows from where his blessings come.
vs 12b - mounted like jewels. - She also sees his eyes as mounted jewels. Meaning fixed in place. His eyes don't narrow in anger or open and flare in anger towards her for being more concerned about her needs than his. They are eyes of blessings and they never change.
vs 13a - His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. - She wants to draw close and put her head on his shoulder.
vs 13b - His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. - His words are full of kindness... they are full of forgiveness. ... they are full of tenderness... they are full of apologies... they are full of goodness and love.
vs 14a - His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. - This man does not handle his wife roughly, his hands are gentle and loving.
vs 14b - ....His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires. - In Hebrew the idea of the belly was that it was the seat of emotions. She sees his as polished ivory ....signifying his emotions are pure white.
vs 15 - His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. - He is strong... he is steadfast.... he is a rock. Not only is he a ladies man, and a godly man, but physically he looks like he can hoop or carry the rock!
vs 16 - His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. - In other words, "I want to kiss him right on the mouth." Why? This man doesn't see masculinity as showing how hard he can be, rather he is secure enough in his masculinity enough not to have to prove it. He feels free to use all of himself to be tender towards his woman. Brothers, if you find yourself being hard and callous, ask yourself.... "What am I trying to prove? and whom am I trying to convince?" Don't react, respond, Let God change him.
Maintaining Personal Integrity During Conflict
Friends
Vs 6:1 Where has your lover gone, most beautiful of women? Which way did your lover turn, that we may look for him with you?
Beloved
Vs 2 My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies. - She knows where he is because she knows who he is. In vs 2 she knows where he would be, because he has never changed.
vs 3 - I am my lover's and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies. - She knows what he is. He is faithful. He never ever stopped loving me.
Now brothers, that's how a wife should feel. And ladies, that's how a husband should feel when he knows he has done you wrong. He is to never worry about where to find you. You have not gone home to mama, or stormed out the door. You have not gone out with your buddies to talk about him. He knows where to find you, because of who you are and what you are. Be gentle and unchanging in your love. Don't run to mama or daddy, because once in-laws get involved the dynamics change; and usually for the worse.
Keep Relatives At A Distance, During Conflict
Let’s take a look at in-law problems in descending order:
· Starting with his mother - Guys you've got to part with mama and deal with your wife yourself. That's why comedians always joke about her mama, because your mama is no joking matter.
· Next, her mama - Because her mama wants to disciple her girl for life. Notice in a wedding, the guy's mother is weeping, but the girl's mama is telling her daughter "stand up straight, fix your dress”.
· Then there’s her daddy - He wants to keep sending money to his baby. Girls you've got to deal with your daddy about this.
· Finally, there's his dad - He is no problem at all. In fact, he's somewhere laughing because that bad @#$% boy of his is about to get paid back for the contempt he had for dad’s advice. It's the best day of this dad's life.
Next topic: So how do you communicate?
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