Conflict With Your Mate "Song of Songs 5:10-16, 6:1-3"

Don't Leave God Out of the Fight

We’ve already learned that we must respond to God, rather than react to your spouse.  Next, "Let God change your spouse".  As much as my wife Nancy needs to change, there is no command in the bible for me to change her, nor for her to change me.  Nor are we to teach one another a lesson.  I am to love her, to teach love, to forgive her, but thank God, I don't have to play Holy Spirit by trying to change her.  I do need to communicate my deepest heart feelings, but I don't have to change her. 

Whenever a spouse tries to change their mate, that when the manipulation starts.  You start bargaining and prostituting your mate.  "I'll do these things, if you do this."  That's not ministering, that's manipulation.  Let God change them.  So what are we to do with an abusive mate?  Let God change him/her.  I'm not talking about extremely physical abusive relationships, but relational abuse.  When Pontius Pilate had a conflict with Jesus, he told Jesus "Don't you know that I have the authority to release you and the authority to crucify you"?  Jesus told him, "You have no authority, unless my Father in heaven gives it to you".  And from that moment on, Pilate sought how he might to release this dude, because he recognized that he was under God.  So you better recognize, and let God change your mate.

Marital Growth From A Healthy Response

By not reacting to your spouse, but rather responding to God.  Men, look at how this guy grew in his wife’s eyes - vs 10.

My lover is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. - Brothers, we are notorious for thinking that we are less than a man, if we are kind to our wives.  But this woman thinks of her man as being the bigger person (magnanimous - forgiving or generous.  Look at how she brags, in next 6 verses, on her generous man.  No woman brags about her angry husband.  I've never attended a funeral where they boast about how mean and ornery a man was.

Vs 11a - His head is purest gold; - Meaning she respects his leadership as divinely ordained.... his integrity is likened unto pure gold.

Vs 11b - his hair is wavy and black as a raven. - There is no gray in his hair..... signifying his strength.  He is strong because he can forgive.

vs 12a - His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, - In order for a vulnerable creature like a dove to be on the ground, completely at peace with its surroundings, it has to be confident and feel assured about life.  She sees stability and confidence in his eyes. Her love for him increases, because even in her rejection of him, this man did not become easily unnerved with her.  This man knows from where his blessings come.

vs 12b - mounted like jewels. - She also sees his eyes as mounted jewels.  Meaning fixed in place.  His eyes don't narrow in anger or open and flare in anger towards her for being more concerned about her needs than his.  They are eyes of blessings and they never change.

vs 13a - His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. - She wants to draw close and put her head on his shoulder.

vs 13b - His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh.  - His words are full of kindness... they are full of forgiveness. ... they are full of tenderness... they are full of apologies... they are full of goodness and love.

vs 14a - His arms are rods of gold set with chrysolite. - This man does not handle his wife roughly, his hands are gentle and loving.

vs 14b - ....His body is like polished ivory decorated with sapphires. - In Hebrew the idea of the belly was that it was the seat of emotions.  She sees his as polished ivory ....signifying his emotions are pure white.

vs 15 - His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold.  His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. - He is strong... he is steadfast.... he is a rock.   Not only is he a ladies man, and a godly man, but physically he looks like he can hoop or carry the rock!

vs 16 - His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely.  This is my lover, this my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem. - In other words, "I want to kiss him right on the mouth." Why?  This man doesn't see masculinity as showing how hard he can be, rather he is secure enough in his masculinity enough not to have to prove it.  He feels free to use all of himself to be tender towards his woman.  Brothers, if you find yourself being hard and callous, ask yourself.... "What am I trying to prove?  and whom am I trying to convince?" Don't react, respond, Let God change him.

Maintaining Personal Integrity During Conflict

Friends

Vs 6:1 Where has your lover gone, most beautiful of women?  Which way did your lover turn, that we may look for him with you?

Beloved
Vs 2 My lover has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies. - She knows where he is because she knows who he is.  In vs 2 she knows where he would be, because he has never changed. 

vs 3 - I am my lover's and my lover is mine; he browses among the lilies. - She knows what he is.  He is faithful.  He never ever stopped loving me.

Now brothers, that's how a wife should feel.  And ladies, that's how a husband should feel when he knows he has done you wrong.  He is to never worry about where to find you.  You have not gone home to mama, or stormed out the door.  You have not gone out with your buddies to talk about him.  He knows where to find you, because of who you are and what you are.  Be gentle and unchanging in your love.  Don't run to mama or daddy, because once in-laws get involved the dynamics change; and usually for the worse.

Keep Relatives At A Distance, During Conflict

Let’s take a look at in-law problems in descending order: 

·        Starting with his mother - Guys you've got to part with mama and deal with your wife yourself.  That's why comedians always joke about her mama, because your mama is no joking matter.

·        Next, her mama - Because her mama wants to disciple her girl for life.  Notice in a wedding, the guy's mother is weeping, but the girl's mama is telling her daughter "stand up straight, fix your dress”.

·        Then there’s her daddy - He wants to keep sending money to his baby.  Girls you've got to deal with your daddy about this. 

·        Finally, there's his dad - He is no problem at all.  In fact, he's somewhere laughing because that bad @#$% boy of his is about to get paid back for the contempt he had for dad’s advice.  It's the best day of this dad's life.

Next topic:  So how do you communicate? 

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Conflict With Your Mate "Song of Songs 5:2-16, 6:1-13"

The Problem Reacting

The Problem with Reacting is that it tends to be either hot or cold. 

A hot reaction is to return in like manner, "when they react, I'll react".  It is when the two of you collide, and no one can win; and the children can't wait to turn 18 and move out of the house.  Ultimately, one mate will subdue the other and the subdued mate will harbor bitterness.  Then 10 years into the marriage, when the aggressive mate comes home, their spouse is gone.  Reacting hot results in one mate finding delight in hurting the other.

In a cold reaction you don't have the fights.  You just turn on the ice for 10 days.  Have you been raised in a house with passive aggression (I had as a child), where everyone walks around for 10 days on egg shells because mom and dad aren't speaking?  And that's just as bad, if not worse than a hot reaction.

How do you know when you hurt your mate?  By their non-verbal communication

During our family vacation one year, we could not afford to chip in our per person portion, for staying in the luxurious oceanfront home with my wife’s family members.  It hurt her not to room with family and to have to live in a lesser quality home 12 miles away.  Yet, she never complained.  But her silence during the 12-mile ride back to the condo each night, spoke more to my heart than any number of words she could have uttered.  After the 4th night I vowed to myself never to subject her to that again.  To this moment, she has yet to complain, because her demeanor had spoken more effectively.

Single men and women.... Are you that kind of person?  Do you solve problems like Solomon had?  Or, are going to be hard to live with?  Here’s some heads-up advice:  An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel - Proverbs 18:19.  Husbands, when you hurt your wife, you send shrapnel through her soul; because women experience emotions more intensely and deeply than men.  Therefore, it will take her a while to get over the pain. 

Now, for the second thing you do when you have a conflict with your wife.

Respond to God

Like Solomon did.  Don't react to her, but rather respond to God.  20 years ago my question to Solomon [when his wife denied him sex] would have been, "She did you wrong man, so why are you putting perfume on her door handles?"  I think Solomon's answer would have been something like this: "Because my standard of conduct is not my wife's standard, it’s Gods standard.  And God says to love my wife.  And that's what I'm going to do, no matter what she does."  Doesn’t this quality remind you of Jesus while being humiliated upon the cross?  While suffering he uttered no threats, rather He trusted himself to God who judges all things.  And husbands, aren't we to be like Jesus in dealing with our wives (Ephesians 5), cultivating and prompting her to respond in love?  Husbands, we are to be a person with poise.  When stressed (and our wives will stress us like the church stresses Jesus), men it is to our advantage to maintain our composure while listening to God's higher voice.  In character traits it is called magnanimity - where you are great of spirit.  Its negative counterpart is a spirit of meanness.  To be "mean" is to have the average response of a pagan man.  That was the original meaning of the word "mean"; as in an average.  It's like saying, "You are acting average!" Fellas, this is so important in your marriage.  Men and Women are not as equally as our cultural hype suggests. 

Example of Difference in Men and Women 

Fellas think about it, when brothers first meet we are cordial.   But after we get to know each other, how do we grow closer?  By insulting one another.  When two close friends approach each other, it goes something like this, "Now there goes the neighborhood!" or "You ole scoundrel, what hole have you been hiding in? Or, who left the door open?"  And when we really get close, what do we do? We hit each other.  Sisters, on the other hand, don't play that!  When was the last time you saw one woman greet each other sister in the parking lot saying, "Hey, heifer what rock did you crawl out from under!"  Never, at least without some hateration!

God made us male, and God made them female.  When a man gets hurt, he gets angry, but when you hurt your wife, it lingers.  Peter put it like this:  Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers - 1 Peter 3:7 

So fellas, we ought not react to our wife.  She is a gentle creature.  When you hurt her deeply, do everything to correct it.  You kneel... you give money..... You stop everything and go to her and ask for forgiveness.  You respond to God, not to the crowd noise of your soul.  It's called spirituality..... It's called maturity..... It's called temperance...... It's called self-control - Proverbs 12:18 - Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

What's the third thing about marital conflict we should know?

Don't Put Your "Religion" Down
Go down to vs 6 - I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone.  My heart sank at his departure.  I looked for him but did not find him.  I called him but he did not answer.  Now turn back one page to chapter 3:2-4a.  When she was in fellowship with God, things tended to flow her way and she found her husband and the watchmen helped her.  But over here in chapter 5, when she “put her religion down” by acting selfishly and barred her husband from her room because of her needs, things didn't quiet flow her way, as before.  Vs 7 - The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city.  They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls!  She says "when to watchmen found me they beat and bruised me” (We are talking about Solomon's wife here!)  It's very likely the watchmen weren't able to identify who this was lurking around the walls of Jerusalem at night wearing a cloak.  They wouldn't have known whether it was a man or woman; which explains why they took away the cloak.  Let it suffice to say that things weren't flowing in this sister’s favor.  So brothers and sisters, don’t ever put your religion down!

Stay tuned for the next principle about dealing with marital conflict?

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Conflict With Your Mate "Song of Songs 5:2-16, 6:1-13"

We have seen this couple date and court......, we have seen them intimate in marriage......., tonight let’s rumble. We have 8 chapters in this book, and their conflict takes two chapters.  That's about right, because conflict can take up about 25% of your time in marriage. 

There are 4 significant milestones in marriage:

1-    Honeymoon - a sweet month (that's what it means).

2-    Then disillusionment - the illusion is gone.  You though you married Denzell Washington, but you got Jimmy Walker.

3-    Conflict – you resist the truth, by trying to change your mate, substitute your mate, or lose yourself in something else.

4-    Commitment - where you discover your mate, flaws and all, and you commit to loving them in a biblical manner, regardless. 

As our marriage matured, my wife realized that I didn’t have all the answers to her questions.  So she grew more self assertive.  Initially, her self assertiveness had a defiant flavor, until I convinced her not to make a social statement in an intimate relationship. The fact that I didn’t have all her questions was not an indictment of me, but her inflated hope.  I was no Denzel, but instead I was Dy-no-mite (J. J). She had the right to be more self-assertive, and I had a right to innocence (I was not the one who raised her to be less assertive)

No Fighting Toward Resolution? Then, No Progress!

All couples fight.  Good couples fight clean, bad couples fight dirty. 

-         Good couples press towards resolution,

-         Bad couples press for a victory. 

-         Good couples when they conflict, it exposes their character, 

-         Bad couples when they conflict, it exposes their immaturity.

All couples have conflict.  Here's a great scriptures on marriage, read Proverbs 14:4 Where there are no oxen, the manger is empty, but from the strength of an ox comes an abundant harvest. What in the world does any of this have to do with oxen, barns and harvest?  Well, if you have no oxen, then no work gets done.  And if work is not getting done, then the manger will be clean.  Therefore, since you aren't making a mess trying to plow the ground in order to plant crop, then you won't have a mess storing your harvest. But on the contrary, if you have oxen, that means you intend to work.  And if you intend to work, then the oxen you’ll need will stink and mess the barn up.  If you have oxen, they are going to do what oxen do. 

Imagine me saying, "I need to earn some money from my vineyard.  Let me get some oxen to plant and to harvest.  But I don't like what comes with oxen."  If I want one, I've got to have the other.  No oxen, clean barn.  No work, no money and no food.  With work, there are oxen along with a smelly barn.  But with a harvest that brings money and food.  We do not live in a Burger King universe.  We can't "Have it our way!" all the time.  We can’t have it both ways – a fresh smelling clean barn and an abundant harvest.  I love my wife with the depth of my heart, but also my deepest hurt in life has come from her.  With love comes the vulnerability to be hurt – a recipe for conflict.

You are going to have conflict.  And you can't have everything your way.   If you don't have conflict in marriage, then you either have no sin nature, or you are not growing. You’re like a maid married to a butler.  You just perform functions, boring each other to death and rarely communicating.  Or, you have one dominate person married to a passive person.  Where there is really no peace.  And the passive person has actually surrendered, waved a white flag and gone underground.

A Healthy Way To Conflict

There's a way to fight clean, there's a way to fight dirty.  We are going to see this couple having conflicts.  I'm going to show you 6 different steps.  At the last step this couple will be portrayed as two companies having a party.  Their marriage is going to deepen as a result of conflict, and take us to the most physically passionate text in the Bible.  But first, lets look at what may be the most important text about marriage that we will ever learn from the Bible. Vs 5:2a - I slept but my heart was awake.  Listen! My lover is knocking: "Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one..... 

"my heart.. " that's Solomon at the door"

What do you think was on his mind?  Well, for some reason they had slept in separate rooms.  When he came home, he knocked on her bedroom door, and said, "open up", because he wants sex with his wife.  The rest of that verse (2b) tells us that he has been out all night working (shepherds).  He's been out in the hard cruel world and comes in at night and longs for the intimacy of his wife.  .....My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night."  Some of you wives already realize this.  You are the most powerful influence in helping your man being more tender and considerate towards you. 

One of the joys of a husband, is to come out the hostile and prejudice world of work, into a peaceful home, locked in the bedroom, under the sheets, with your wife, who can embrace and love you.  This man has been at work and longs for emotional and physical intimacy with his wife.  And he needs her.  What do you think she is going to say?  We already seen her sexually passionate twice. 

Vs 3 I have taken off my robe- must I put it on again?  I have washed my feet- must I soil them again?  In other words, “I have a headache. I don't care how hard you have worked, or how much you want me,  I ain't getting up.  "I am more important than you."

We have a conflict folks!

He longs for his wife to meet his physical and emotional needs; but she's not opening the door (neither one).  Fellas, what would you have said, if you were Solomon? 

·        Look woman, I was a king, and you were working in a vineyard, when I met you.

·        I took you in, I gave you the check book.

·        You trifling woman, you're trying to play me like this?

Nope!  This smooth dude makes us all look bad.  vs 4a - My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; He doesn’t even go in.  He does not press her for sex.  He merely opens the door and slides his hands in, then slides it out.  Because he did something.

It is Not the Wrong that Devastates, It's How We Handle The Matter

Look at her response to the way he handled the matter.  Vs 4b-5 - my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my lover, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the lock.  The very thing that kept her from him (the door handle), he put liquid myrrh on it..... In Hebrew culture that was like a calling card meaning "I love you".  So what does this tell us about the first thing we should do when you have a conflict?  Not if, but when..... Do not react!  This also means, you do not re-enact to what your mate did.  She says, “I'm not getting out of bed to have sex with you.”... he leaves an "I love you!" calling card on the door handle. 

Husbands, just because she did it, doesn’t mean we have to do it.  Paul put it like this in Romans 12:17-19 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. Also, when Joseph's (son of Jacob[Israel]) brothers came to him, after their father died they asked him if he was going to kill them, now.  Joseph replied, “Am I in the place of God?” The point is this, if there's revenge to be had, it's God's place to get it...not ours. 

In marital conflict, neither husband nor wife is obligated to mirror the actions of the other.  Two wrongs still don't make a right.  That is how marital problems begin.  The “volleying over the net” after a conflict starts.  He yells, she yells back... she throws the cushion, he throws the chair.  She cuss his mother, he cusses her father.  When we are hurt, there's something about being the image of God that kicks in.  We demand justice! That's what's operating in us.  But it is a self-centered justice, not marital justice.

·        We feel the need to correct the injustice, and really don't feel out of place in doing so. 

·        We feel right, we feel holy, we feel just.

·        We feel we have weighed out the problem of good versus evil in the universe and have solved it. 

While the truth of the matter is, we have taken a prerogative that's not ours.  It's God's... we are not to don't react. 

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Intimacy in Marriage, Pt2 "Song of Songs 4:5 - 5:1"

In the verses to follow, Song of Songs will give us 10 different aspects of how love is to be lived out in marital sex:

#1 – Fellas, whenever you have sex with your wife, especially on your honeymoon, move slowly. 

I foolishly believed that I was entitled to exercise every sexual fantasy I've ever had with my wife.  All this did was scar her physically and emotionally, and I am still paying the consequences for my ignorance. 

#2 - there are parameters of sexual pleasures that you and your wife will share.  Generally, the man's parameters will be a lot more erotic than a woman's. 

Someone is asking, “How far can a man go?”  The answer is, “As far as your wife is not demeaned.”  If she has a problem with something, then you stop. 

·        Before you get married you should have to talk about these parameters.  Let the surprises come out then, not afterwards. 

Also fellas, I learned something... women fluctuate.  I thought I had discovered the right sequence of foreplay when stimulating my wife's passion, only to discover that the sequence would regularly rescramble itself.  What worked yesterday was for yesterday.  I have to regularly figure out the new combination for stimulating her.  I though I had found the right combination: a kiss here, stroke there, then a gentle embrace here.... bam great sex!  I memorized it, recalled it, so the next night I tried it.  Kiss...stroke...embrace, but no response.  I tried retracing my steps to see where I went wrong.  The only constant was, whatever the combination, I had to dial it gently each night. 

Contrarily, in general for men, the sexual stimulation sequence is a constant.  It doesn't take a whole lot of foreplay to get him ready.  There will be nights that we fellas know our wife is just doing her duty to love us.  Then there will be other nights, she seems to be on Viagra for women.

So how are you going to have sex when you get married?  Since men are always ready, how are we going to know that our wife is excited about sex?  How can the husband let his wife know that he wants to have sex? 

·        You've just have to study your mate to know their signals; and have that special attire, aroma and gentleness.

In order for a man to have good sex with his wife, he has got to be cautious, tender, and patient with his wife, just as if he was approaching twin fawns of a gazelle. 

vs 4:5 Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

In order for a woman, in order to have good sex with her husband she has to be considerate in recognizing her husband's needs. 

·        Ladies, here is a verse for you to memorize.  But men, this is never a verse for you to quote - 1Corinthians 7:4 - The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

·         There will be times she may not feel up to it, and we may just have to turn and go fast asleep.   

#3 - Sex is exhilarating Vs 6 , "until day breaks and shadows flee" he is talking about morning time.  He means "all night long, I will go to the mountains of myrrh and hill of incense".  

What are the mountains of myrrh and hill of incense?  What was she talking about in the previous chapter about... the hill of Bether? 

·        He's talking about his wife's breast.   "all night long until sunrise, this stag will be roaming his wife's twin mountains".   The Word of God!!!  

·        How passionate is that... just let your imagination run.

·        It was an early Christian teaching that the original sin was sex, and women were taught just to lie there and have sex just for procreation. Wrong!!!

#4 - Sex is scary.... sex is frightening

VS 7 - All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you.

Ladies, you remember in chapter 1 when she said "don't stare at me, because the sun has burned me"?  The most painful thing you can do to your wife, on her honeymoon or anytime, is when she disrobes and you look at her naked body you say something (not positive, or even worse… negative).  She will never forget it and you will hurt her so deeply.  All women tend to be self-conscience about their bodies. 

·        Fellas, she will have your babies and get all stretched out, or may wish a body part was different.  So you must let her know that from the top of her head all the way down her body that she is the most loveliest woman on the face of the earth. 

Ladies, would you feel like giving yourself to a fellow who looks at your hair, eyes, cheeks, teeth, neck, breast and entire body and say, "you are absolutely perfect"?  Of course, you'll feel like giving yourself to him.  That's how Jesus sees us.  Without spot, wrinkle, or blemish and blameless before Him (despite the mess we know we’ve done). 

#5 - Sex is the means of union in marriage.

VS 8 - Come with me from Lebanon, my bride, come with me from Lebanon. Descend from the crest of Amana, from the top of Senir, the summit of Hermon, from the lions' dens and the mountain haunts of the leopards.

He is calling her away and the two of them will become one flesh.  When the preacher says, “Now I pronounce you husband and wife” technically that is not completely true.  You are not one until you have had sex.   The Apostle Paul had this idea in mind when he said, when you give your body to a prostitute, you are one body with her - 1 Corinthian 6.  When you have sex, you leave father and mother and cleave to each other.  Through marriage and sex is the means by which oneness occurs. 

#6 - Sex is sensuous

Vs 9-11a - You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace.  10  How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!  11 Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue..... 

What kind a kiss permits you to know what’s under your mate’s tongue?  It can’t be a French kiss.  Why not?  Because France didn't become a country until the 9th century AD.  The events in the Song of Songs took place about 1,800 years before France existed.  Even then, God wanted this affectionate kissing recorded for His people.  Dare you give France the credit!  This is intimate enjoyment of the mate with whom God united you.  Don't do this until you get married! 

Some is asking, “Well then, how far can you go when you are dating?”  Here's a good clear answer. 

·        Don't ask, “How far can I go?” 

·        Rather ask, “How far should I keep away from it?” 

·        Think of it like this…it’s never, "Mommy, how close to the edge of the Grand Canyon can we walk?"  No.  It's, “How far should we keep away and still enjoy the canyon, without plunging to our death?” 

Kissing a person is meant to be frustrating.  Kissing is geared to take you into intercourse.  That's how God configured us.  Open mouth kissing is sensuous and should be avoided in private places.  If you stay out of it until married, you can save yourself a lot of trouble.  He goes on.... VS 11b The fragrance of your garments is like that of Lebanon- sex is sensuous.

#7 - Sex is holy

Vs 12 - You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.

A man's sexuality in the Book of Proverbs 5:16 is spoken of as a spring, for obvious reasons.  It says: "Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares?"  That's what it's called when a man goes into a harlot.  He casts his sperm into the street (or dirt).  The woman's sexuality for obvious reasons is called a well.   And those who understand geography know that a spring flows into a well.  So fellas, do you know what this man calls his wife before sex?  He calls her a well of fresh water that is sealed.  There is a “spiritual hymen” between this man and this woman.  He had not touched her.  He has kept her a virgin, because marriage works best for virgins. 

 
13 Your plants are an orchard of pomegranates with choice fruits, with henna and nard, 14 nard and saffron, calamus and cinnamon, with every kind of incense tree, with myrrh and aloes and all the finest spices.

This man has kept her pure.  In vs 13-14 the garden that they've kept the little foxes out of has now come to fruition.  It's in bloom.  This woman's body being the vineyard, having kept out foxes that ruin the vineyard, her sexuality is in full bloom for this man.  VS 15 - You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming down from Lebanon.

The well is now opened....  Her sexuality is now given to him.   The garden is the sexuality and anatomy of this woman.  She is open to receive this man.

Vs 16 - Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad.  Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.

#8 Sex is responsive.

Remember, the man's words on two occasions about not arousing love before its time?  Look at the first word in vs 16.  AWAKE!

·        North wind – this is the strong wind.

·        Wind of the South – this is a gentle wind

·        Make my garden breathe and taste its choice fruit.

That might be the most erotic verse in the bible.  This is a woman who have been cared for, nurtured and loved.  He talks to her, he looks at her naked body, he compliments her, he calls her to him, he kisses her and he excites her.  Now she invites him into her sexuality.  This woman spreads herself for this man and gives herself to him (and yes, I believe in the authority of scripture…. even the more now!!!!)

"...its fragrance may spread abroad.  Let my lover come into his garden and tastes its choice fruits."  Who's garden?  His!  And taste whose choice fruits? Its choice fruits.  "I give my garden completely to you." 

·        Ladies make a note of how responsive woman is! 

What's Great Sex to A Man?

One thing and only one thing:  It's responsiveness from his wife!  No man wants to be like a little buzzing bee around the unresponsive flower of his wife…. trying to pollinate her… with no response on her part.  Very bonds a man to his woman better than her sexual responsiveness.  This woman responds.  Ladies, write this down.  You will never hear this again.  What excites your man?.... 4 physical things:

A- What he hears. 

No husband will ever say on his honeymoon during sex with his wife...."Shhhhhh be quite!"  Therefore ladies, express what and how you feel.  You may have to educate your man... so talk to him, tell him where you.... 

B- What he sees.

One of the great investments a wife can make is a negligée.  Victoria Secrets may provide all the marital counseling you need in this area.  Every man wants to go into Victoria Secrets and buy something, but we're too scared.  So rather than hang around outside of Victoria Secrets like a teenagers trying cop beer from the party store, I did my shopping via the Internet.

C- What a man feels. 

During sex the man is the stabilizing force (his lock needs no combination, it's always open).  For him everything is free.  Everywhere you caress him ladies will registers off the chart.

D- What a man smells.

There are fragrances that can arouse a man’s senses that takes him to another level, sexually.

#9 - Sex is nourishing

Vs 5:1 - I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride; I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk.

Notice that the verb tense has changed.  Past perfect.  It's done!  He's got the cigarette lit now.  Do you see what is mentioned 9 times?  Mine...my...my...my...my!  In other words, “I am nourished on you!”   Fellas, here is a spiritually thrilling and edifying experience to have with your wife, the woman that you love, care for, that you're one with, that you have romanced, that you treat tender, and you give her your body and she gives you hers. 

After sex hold her close to your body and pray,

"Thank thee Oh God for this woman." 

And she prays "Father thank you for my husband, who loves me so sweetly and so tenderly." 

#10 - In these last 2 lines, sex is pleasing to God.  This is the only place in the whole book that God speaks.

Vs 5:1 - Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.

Meaning "it is my gift..... go for it and enjoy it!  We know it is God because it addresses the lovers, as well as the friends.  This is not sex done under an alias in a motel, in the back seat of a car or hiding it from your friends.  It is open in the face of God; and God says enjoy it.  

Conclusion

Now, I know I'm not writing to a bunch of virgins.  The wonderful thing about the Word of God is not just that it gives us a standard, but also there is a person (Jesus) who died for our violation of that standard.  And it tells us of the Holy Spirit who can change our life to conform to that standard.  And it can illuminate our path as we walk in that standard.  The Word of God doesn't take someone who is under a bolder and tells them to push harder, or tell them they’re dumb for being under there.  The Word of God helps us change.  We can be made pure and clean from this day on.  

You may be a person about to get married to someone you've been sleeping with.  Let me tell you that there are couples with a far worse past, who have turned things around and lived pure from that day forward; and God has blessed them.  They still had to work through trouble spots, but God strengthened them to endure until they were blessed.

Jesus has died for our violation of His moral standard.  Our trust in him will present us pure in the sight of God this day forward.  Amen.

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Intimacy In Marriage - Pt1 "Song of Songs 3:6 - 5:1"

Sex!  The Talk of the Closet

Sex.  We don’t talk about it in church, it's not appropriate.   Well, where do we talk about it….at home?  Nope!  In school... No!

How many of you did not discuss sex with your parents?  We figured it out from the streets, or are still wrestling with the reality of its drive.  Many God fearing saints have huge emotional chunks taken out of us, because of sex.  It’s why some have been maimed by STDs.  And for others, life plans had to be drastically altered by a pregnancy.  All the while, the Song of Songs was right there revealing this couple making love right before our eyes.

When you get married, sex is no longer something that's taboo to discuss.  Sex is a big issue!  Therefore, the issue of sex, romance and love demands its forum or venue for discussion.  If not in the church, then where?

The Wedding

In this article, through the Song of Songs, we are going to look at how to make love. Remember those previous occasions whereby this couple abstained from sex? vs 2:7, 3:5  Well, now is the time to arouse that forbidden passion, so it will awaken and take hearts captive.  Vs 6-11 is a wedding, this couple does not live together.  You don’t simply move in, you make a covenant.  In describing her wedding she borrowers the language of the Exodus journey; where God went before Israel in a column of smoke. 

 
6 Who is this coming up from the desert like a column of smoke, perfumed with myrrh and incense made from all the spices of the merchant?

She pictures her husband as a similitude of God.  This woman not only has a great man and a great wedding, she also has a grasp of the history of her faith.  He is not just godly, but sweet (myrrh and incense).  Among the few godly Christian men a few are duds.  That is though godly, they know nothing about the earthly things to whisper in a sister’s ear (that’s sweet to her soul).

 
7 Look! It is Solomon's carriage, escorted by sixty warriors, the noblest of Israel, 8 all of them wearing the sword, all experienced in battle, each with his sword at his side, prepared for the terrors of the night.

Marriage is a thing of protection and safety.  Ladies, how would you feel during your wedding coming down the aisle with 60 uniform groomsmen standing with 9mm strapped on their side.  Just to illustrate God's promise of safety - “I will never leave you, and never forsake you.”

 
9 King Solomon made for himself the carriage; he made it of wood from Lebanon.

The wood of Lebanon came from trees that were tall, straight and strong, just the way a woman likes her man.  Tall, in that he stands up and leads, straight in that he is a man of good character, and strong in that his faith in God is unwavering in the worse of life's storms.  An opinion-less, bad listener, non-communicative, vacillating, uncreative, non- humorous man, she has difficulty respecting.  That would not compel a godly woman to become rebellious, but rather she simply develops a low grade resentment.  No woman wants to marry a weak man.  She wants a man who she can respect enough to trust her life to him.  Not an abusive man, but one with the strength of the wood of Lebanon.

 
10 Its posts he made of silver, its base of gold.  Its seat was upholstered with purple, its interior lovingly inlaid by the daughters of Jerusalem.

 He is splendid, he is rich, he is a BMW y’all!  He’s not standing with an outreached hand asking for money or the car keys.

 
11a Come out, you daughters of Zion, and look at King Solomon wearing the crown....  

She wants all the women of the nation to come and look at her husband.  She’s proud.  She wants others to think "what a wonderful women she must be to get a guy like this".

 
11b ....the crown with which his mother crowned him on the day of his wedding, the day his heart rejoiced.  

Hold out for the Day of Rejoicing!  Don’t sell out before the day of the wedding.  Ladies, hold out for the man you have held out for.  Men, you will step into the best relationship on this side of heaven, if you do it the right way.  But if you compromise, you would have settled for something far inferior.

Consummating Their Marriage

VS 4:1 How beautiful you are, my darling!  Oh, how beautiful!  Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead. – they are at the Ritz. 

This couple is going to make love.  But he is not going to lay a hand upon her until about vs 11.  He is going to kiss her, he is going to undress her.  He is going to talk to her, then she is going to invite him in, and both are going to consummate their union.  Then God is going to say "Go for it!"  In vs 1-4, they are in what is called the bridal chamber.  In the Hebrew culture, whenever a couple went to get married, the guy would go to his wife in his sudan chair, they would come to the wedding feast.  Everybody would come to the party and the bride and groom would go into another room.  They would stay there as long as they wanted to, while everyone was having a party.  And there they would consummate their marriage.  But then they would come forth to greet the guests and everyone would shout.  This is not uncommon, native Americans did it by banging on pots around teepees.  But I’ll not sure if I want you all just outside my door while I'm making love with my bride.  I’m thinking, “just put the tin cans on my limo and send me off with my bride.”  I love you all, but I’m just saying.

Vs 1 he looks through her veil and says, "your eyes are like doves" - you are so tender, you are so sweet, you are so gentle, you are so lovely.  Then he lifts her veil and rolls it back.  He unfastens her hair and it rolls down like the goats running down the mountain.  Then he says, "Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from mount Gilead".  What does this mean?  Well, two and a half tribes of Israel stayed on the other side of the Jordan River, in Gilead, because the land was so good for cattle.  So, when you talk about the sheep of Gilead, you are talking about blessings.  Meaning, as he looks at her hair she looks like the blessing of God.

vs 2 Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing.  Each has its twin; not one of them is alone.

Meaning they are clean.  He looks in awe at every part of her body and how fantastic she is. Each has its twins, meaning her teeth are straight.  "not one of them is alone", meaning they all are there.  

Vs 3 - your lips are like a scarlet ribbon.  Soft and smooth.  This man is tracking the beauty of his bride in every detail.

Your temples are like halves of a pomegranate - he is talking about the contour and smoothness of her facial features.  Just as when a pomegranate is cut in half, and seeds fall from their place, her temples are like the indentions that remain from where once a smooth and supple seed had resided.

vs 4 Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance ; on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors. - he is moving down her body (you see why I can’t have you all just outside my door banging on pots and talking).  Notice that this brother has not gotten physical, he has just spoken to her.  The key to great sex in marriage is called romance.  During the fall of the Roman empire, wherever Latin was the language, the different places in Europe came up with their own derivation of Latin.  You and I speak one. That's why English, Spanish, French and German are considered romance languages.  Formal documents were written in Latin, but whenever you spoke things of passion, love and poetry and heroism and chivalry you did so in what was called the “vulgar tongue”.  That was the language of the common man.  Romance language - Not for what's formal and legal, but for what's passionate.  It had gotten where classic Latin was formal, but things of the common man (dirty jokes and all) were spoken in the romantic tongue.  Ironically, the first version of the Bible to be translated into Latin, was called the Vulgate.  It was translated by St. Jerome.

Jerome was an interesting fellow - he had an obsession with sex from his days living in Rome.  So he retired in the life of a monk hoping it would rid this burden. History records that the memories of dancers in Rome followed him into the monastery.  He tried to suppress his thoughts by punishing his body.  He tried to live a strict life.  It took the study of Hebrew to replace his thoughts of the pleasures of Rome.  Three years later, he decided that the life as a monk wasn't for him.  He returned to civilization, became an ordained minister which ultimately led to this first Bible translation out of its original language. 

Fellas, when you get married you will enter into a formal contract (your duties and promises, unto death).  You will speak very formally to the minister as he/she officiates the ceremony.  That’s good.  However, marriage is far more than a contract.... it is romantic and vulgar (common, down to earth).  It is something that grows out of your passion, out of your heart.  When you get a handle on this aspect of marriage, even just a little, it will drive your bride crazy.  This is the dynamic that explains why good girls like bad boys.  Bad boys aren't afraid to speak the romantic, passionate or vulgar things that massages a woman's greatest sex organ.... her mind.  Too many fathers fail to make their daughters feel special And, too many godly men are duds... because they feel such talk is taboo.  Ladies, to have a mere legal document with a husband who can not express his deep unrestrained passion for you is torture.  This Song of Songs husband tells his bride that, “from her eyes, hair, teeth, cheeks and neck you are wonderful.”

Made Different to be Made One 

Men use romance to get sex, woman use sex to get romance. 

·        Men are like microwaves.  We can have sex now right now...... it doesn't matter where.  BING!!  I'm ready!  It can be anywhere.  Our wife can have poor communication, she may have just fought him…. It doesn’t matter to us!  That’s the way a man is hooked up.

·        A woman is a crock pot.  She heats up slowly during the day.  We husbands have to start loving her early in the day.  Whenever she has to take the trash out….  Or, whenever we make her plow through snow to get food for our meal….  Then DO NOT come home singing Marvin Gaye’s "Sexual Healing".  Because she remembers the trash, the snow and lugging those bags of groceries.  She warms up slowly. 

If women had a man's sex drive, we’ll never get anything done… we’ll be having sex every waking moment.  But if men had women’s sex drives, we would get a lot done; but there wouldn’t be any people on the earth to help.  God knew exactly what He was doing when He rigged it like this. 

Formula for Great Sex

Fellas, in order to have great sex with your wife, don’t think you need a perfect body or handsome face, as much as being a tender, gentle, appreciative, and attentive man.  Many a great looking men lost their wives to men with receding hairlines and pot bellies who simply knew how to romance women.  Be as spontaneous in marriage as, you were in courtship when you heap flowers upon her and spent time with her.  In marriage, spontaneity is always received as sensitivity.  And that's romantic.  Why?  Because if you stalk, bait, bag, and mount her on your wall, then only bring flowers on Special Days.  If you are abusive, unkind, insensitive, angry, short tempered, hostile, dirty or immoral, I can assure you that your wife's mind will go south and her body will follow.  She will not feel like giving herself to a godless man.   

Let's look at something else

It's About to Get Steamy In Here

Read vs 4:5 Your two breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies.

Having spoken to her mind, that's the most vivid and inspired portrayal of how a man ought to see to his wife.  He has talked to her and now he has undressed her.  Her veil is off and her hair is down, and he has taken off the dress of his wife.  And he looks at the bareness of his bride and says "your breast are like the twin fawns of a gazaelle."  They are perfect!

Fellas, how do you see the sexuality of your wife; and how do you describe it to her?

When you approach her, don't say "hey fawns!!!!" when she undresses.  First of all, marriage is romantic.... sex is romantic.  Secondly, sex is gentle.  Let me suggest some tips that will save you more trouble, than you can imagine.  Most men tend to do poorly in this area.  May God bless our wives.  They won't tell us this in fear of breaking our fragile egos.  Since I've already had mine shattered, there's no reason for you to have to suffer.

Stay tuned! Next, I’ll show you, through the Song of Songs, the different aspects of how love is to be lived out in marital sex.

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Needs and Nature of Courting - Part 3

Look at the Woman's Response

Read Song of Songs 2:17 Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my lover, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills.

“Until the day breaks and the shadows flee” – when does day break?  And what makes shadows flee?  Why is “until” there?  She’s talking about all night long. Some translations have “the hills of Bether”, but there is no topographical map of the biblical geography that show the “the hills of Bether”.  A little research will help here!  The word “Bether” in Hebrew means the hills of separation.

Now what does she mean?

"Young stud, climb upon my twin hills of separation all night long." She is talking about her breast.  Ladies, she is not talking about sex just for reproduction. This is the delight of sex.  She wants this man… all night long.  Look at what grows when her man treats her as “a gentle dove coming out the cleft of a rock”..... her trust....... her admiration........ and her passion.  See how she goes on in vs 3:1-4.   She wants him emotionally........ and she wants him physically, and she can’t.

1 All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. 2 I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. 3 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. "Have you seen the one my heart loves?" 4 Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother's house, to the room of the one who conceived me.

What do you think the next verse says?  Foul woman? Vs 3:5 for the second time the man says “not now… just wait”. 5 Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.  She was passionate in courtship, but fellas who takes the lead in abstinence? …… We do!

Ladies there is nothing more frustrating than to be married to a man who will not lead. This guy takes control.  This is a standard that many guys, including myself, did not live up to.  But there’s good news!  That makes the redeeming Grace of Jesus Christ so precious. 

Remember Joel 2:25? – “restore the years that the locust have eaten.”

·        Zaacheus, Mary Magdalene, David, Moses, Paul; all will tell you the same thing.  No matter what your flavor of sinfulness, Jesus can redeem you.  He can make you feel like crying on His feet, and wiping your tears with your hair.  So deep is His love for us. 

In Closing

So, as you are entering courtship, watch for the foxes that can get in and mess up your relationship.  WHY?  Because when you go on your honeymoon, you won’t want a business as usual honeymoon.  When that day comes, you will want to take your bride into the bedroom and kneel in prayer by the bed with her, to consecrate your marriage before God.  Then get up and, unwrap your package and enjoy.  You want to see her and go WOW!

·        Hint: On her honeymoon she calls it her hill of frankincense and mountain of myrrh.  At the end of the book she calls for him to be like be a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spice.

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“Needs and Nature of Courting – pt2” - Song of Songs 2:8-17, 3:1-5

Now, let us see what a man should feel in a good courtship - VS 2:8 Listen! My lover!  Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. 9 My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice.

Separation Test

In vs 7 he calls her a doe, and here she calls him a young stag who leaps across mountains to get close to her.  Having those four elements in dating (mentioned in the previous article), separation from his doe excites this man about the prospect of seeing her again.  Not unlike a young stag making its way to a doe in heat.  Time had not merely dwindled away in their dating.  Time kindled their courtship.  Looked at what’s next: Vs 10 My lover spoke and said to me, "Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me. 11 See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. 12 Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. 13 The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.  Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me."

Time Test

What season of the year are we in?  It’s time for growth!  Springtime or Summer time! It's a time for life! How many times have you seen Christians who once they find a mate and date their spiritual relationship dies down? And no spiritual life is produced.... there's guilt and anger, they disappear from church, bible study and definitely cease meeting in small groups.  For many, pain and immorality in relationships ruin their spiritual walk.  Just as with the Spring season, time with your mate should produce life.  We should want to read our bible more, just to keep up with our Christian mate.  If your mate pulls you down, then it's not Spring time.

So, fellas, being around a woman like this will result in two intense feelings: Desire and Life.  I know I did!  So, now let's see what a man should do when he feels this way - Vs 14 My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. What condition does he say his woman is in?  She is as an innocent dove withdrawn in the clefts of the rocks hiding high in the mountains.  Solomon thought he knew this woman when he was dating, but he didn't.  And now, perhaps for the first time, she is coming out.  To a dove in a cleft of a rock, there is nothing more frightening than a man's hand.  And this once withdrawn woman was holding back, but now she is slowly coming out. This is how it is in courtship! You think you know each other, but you don't.  But in order to go deeper, it takes trust, disclosure and discovery.  And that's what should take place in courtship - a deeper discovery with sensitivity and without judging.

·        You should have a one time, airing of your linen, because you should not surprise your mate when married. 

·        We can take an imperfect person, but we can't take a deceiver.

·        What you hear will likely surprise you. 

But Compton, what if I tell them and they can't forgive me? If they can't forgive you, turn and run...... because if they can't forgive you for what you did to someone else, then what's going to happen when you get married and they have to forgive you for something you did against them.  Don't dare marry an unforgiving person.  Because the pride and self-righteousness that is at the root of their unforgiveness will raise its ugly head often.   Air it out .......one time.

Fellas, how does Jesus Christ love your Christian woman?  Read Ephesians 5.  There is no spot in your woman so nasty that He can't get it out.

·        Zaacheus the exploiting his own race,

·        Mary Magdalene the Whore,

·        David committed adultery with the wife of a loyal fighting warrior,

·        Moses murdered a Egyptian.

·        Paul was a co-conspirator in murdering the first Christian martyr

When she tells you of what she has been through, and some of it has been immoral, you are going to want to take and hold her so close.  You are going to love her so deeply, that you are going to want to say, "Honey, you are never going to hurt again, because you are with a man who is going to treat you with such kindness, dignity and gentleness."  You will hear stories about raped, incest, orgies, being sodomized, incarceration, institutionalized, both voluntarily and involuntarily.  All washed as clean as a whistle..... with no wrinkles.  Wrinkles are hidden things.  There are things that no one but you, God, the offended person and your mate to be should know. And if you forgive like God forgives, there's no wrinkle.... no hidden thing.  You talk, you cry and you forgive.

Another way you are going to find things out about your mate is to stumbling across things.  Some things about your mate only time and circumstance will reveal.  These are not secrets kept from you.  They are idiosyncratic characteristics about your mate that cause the two of you to bump heads.  As you see your mate's flaws, know that "as iron sharpens iron so one man sharpen another". You and your mate will become each other's grinding wheels.

Then there’s a common commitment - 2:15 Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.  Notice there’s a mutual commitment by both of them to dissolve problems.  Let me tell you what that means.  The worse thing you could have in your vineyard are foxes.  They would get in there and eat the blossoms.  As a result, the blossom would fall off and you’ll never get a bud, and therefore you’ll never get grapes.  Your vineyard would never come into maturity.  Then something fruitful in your relationship will get nipped and never manifest. The reason it gets nipped is because of damages from little foxes that will never let your relationship mature.  Foxes are unresolved conflicts in relationships that can only be dealt with when we learn how to fight clean.

Fellas, there are two major things that will nip the relationship with our woman, if we don’t nip it first.

1. Being a No Volley Tennis Man (unresponsive) – when she keeps hitting the ball, but we don’t return her volley, she will just quit playing.  This is what it's like when you talk with your wife without looking at her.  Women like facial contact, we men just like the facts.  I'd never seen my father looked at my mother when communicating to her, and they had a miserable relationship.  So, when your woman talks, you don’t have to answer. She knows the answer.  When she is hurting, stop everything.  Don’t give a logical response.  Just listen!  Then get a pen and take note of the fox’s name that hurt her. If you are one of those guys who is never wrong and who never listens because you think it asserts male dominance as head of the household, you are wrong.  The bible's view of male dominance for the husband involves going to the cross to die for those he love (You strong enough?).  That husband will experience true respect and love.

2. Being a Slamming Volley Tennis Man (explosive) - That’s not just a problem. It's cancer!  Sisters, you won’t tolerate an explosive man in marriage.  Don’t think you are going to enjoy life because you can tolerate him in courtship........ then go and bond with him in marriage.  Read Proverbs 18:19 - An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel. Fellas, when you hurt your mate, her wall will go up, and you may never get in again.  To this very day, there are walls in my marriage that still must be dismantled for a healthy marriage - all because of things that I've said or done.

Question: So, how can you tell you have foxes in your vineyard?

Answer: When God allows you to discover your dove, yet the two of you can’t reconcile problems.

Here the same figurative language is used.  Increased sexual tension is the logical response of a dove coming out and a couple getting to know each other (if you don’t lust, you’ve got another problem).  So if you don’t deal with the foxes that get into your premarital relationships, then your vineyard will not be fruitful.  It is interesting that even atheist today advocate no premarital sex, yet those saved, redeemed and filled with the Spirit justify premarital sex, rather than advocate stopping and repentance.  Fellas, when you treat a woman like this, I can conclude how she will feel - Vs 16 My lover is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies.  This woman has trust.  As Jesus says, “He who is forgiven much, loves much.”  Her man knows her and loves her, and she loves him back so deeply.  She says “I trust him…. I belong to him”. 

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“Needs and Nature of Courting” - Song of Songs 2:8-17, 3:1-5

If you believe dating is a pain, you must not have experienced much yet.  A bad courtship can scar you for life?  A bad date costs a little bit of time, money and frustration, but a bad courtship can cost a bit of your soul.  A bad date is like sitting on a sofa with plastic covers.  Though things get sticky, you can still separate with everything intact.  A bad courtship is like licking your tongue on a steel sign pole in the middle of winter.  You can't get out of it without tearing some flesh.  So you have got to be emotionally sober in order to avoid the scars during courtship.

·        If you are too emotionally shallow when courting, because you fear opening up makes you vulnerable, then you will certainly frustrate the relationship.

·        If you go too fast emotionally, or too far, too soon, hoping to win trust by showing what a great catch you are, you will come across as desperate or manipulative and destroy the relationship.

So what’s needed in dating and courtship?

·        Courtship takes great flexibility, tenderness, understanding and communication.  It takes you intentionally to marriage. 

·        Dating, on the other hand, is merely observation.

·        Courtship is depth.

·        Dating is just time allotment. 

·        Dating there are no strings attached. 

·        Courtship you have responsibilities and expectations; you are vulnerable and can be hurt. 

·        Dating is like viewing a house that’s up for sale, while courtship is the closing.

·        There is no risk in viewing the house of dating.

·        All the risks, commitments, expectations and obligations come when you sign the papers at the closing of courtship.

How do we reduce the risks in courtship? 

In my last article our couple in Songs of Songs just began courting.  But please allow me say a bit more about dating, except this time with courtship in view.  I want to give you 4 things that must occur in dating, in order to have a healthy courtship.  Then we'll look at the Songs of Songs to see, 1) what a man feels and does in courtship, 2) see their common commitment and, 3) a woman's response to a man like this. 

First thing you'll want to occur in dating is the Wisdom to evaluate the character of the person.   

This begins with critiquing your date in terms of their standards and personality, not what they can become or what you want them to become.  The latter is called trippin’!  If  he or she is quiet in dating, you can't court to make them wild.  If you have dated a man with the sensitivity of a security door, you can't court and expect him to respond like a Sealy Posturepedic True Form mattress.  If you are dating an unspiritual woman and you have great plans for God, you're headed for trouble.  It is not fair to court a person and marry them, then not accept their standard of righteousness.   You can't change him, it is the power of the Holy Spirit to transform, not yours.  We must sleep in the bed that we made.  We can't marry him or her, and then divorce because of irreconcilable differences.  That's why we must listen and obey this God's wisdom up front.

Second thing you'll want to occur in dating is to have consistency. 

To repeatedly fight and break-up, only to make up; then think by getting married it will bring love into the relationship is like saying, “We can't jog 2 miles, so let’s run a marathon” or “We can't stay together for 3 straight months, so let’s commit until death do us part.”  That's why dating should be easy and upright, because it's a foreshadow of what's to come.

Third thing you'll want to occur in dating is to have sensitivity in communication.

Fellas, this hurts the most!  If you have been dating for 5 weeks, then rightfully the other person has some designs on what the two of you can become.  Someone has to speak up and tell the other how they feel.  Otherwise the natural inclination of our fallen nature will reign in the situation.   That's right!  Humanity's original sin has also corrupted human relationships - Genesis 3:16.  Women tend to reach out for relationship (suiting him), while men tend to shy from emotional responsibility and rather focus on tasks and ruling a woman.  But brothers at some point we've got to let her know something, about what we think.  Unfortunately ladies, a man who is out of fellowship with Christ is not inclined to do disclose what he thinks.  So brothers here’s a brief clinic:  You might say something like this to her "I'm not certain about how you feel, but you seem to be someone I'd like to spend more time with.  But I need to ask if you are willing to give me more of your time."  Sounds safe enough, uh?  You see, sensitivity in communication like this, gives each person "an out" to end the dating relationship without feeling threatened.  The very thing that a woman needs to hear is the very thing we men feel is too emotionally risky to say, even though we feel it.

Fourth thing you'll want to occur in dating is patience in letting the relationship go on. 

·        Don't escalate the relationship too soon. 

·        Don't share too much, too deep, too fast.

·        Keep your hands off each other.

·        Don't go kissing so soon.

·        If the guy favors you, don't move your apartment near his.  Sisters, get this….. Proverbs 25:16-17 - ¹⁶ If you find honey, eat just enough- too much of it, and you will vomit.  ¹⁷ Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house- too much of you, and he will hate you.

BE PATIENT!!!

So with courtship in view, establish these 4 things when dating.  Then you’ll have a healthy courtship.

Next, “What a Man Should Feel in a Good Courtship”

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"Art of Dating" - Song of Songs 1:8-17, 2:1-7

When you spend time and cultivate the right relationship, through regard and respect, it automatically results in the 3rd thing needed in dating....... and that's to elevate.

By the time an American couple begins to date, they have likely been bombarded by negative stereotypes, or suffer bouts with low self-esteem from: racism, sexism, classism, poor education or from someone playing the dozens.  So we must work to elevate the esteem of the one we have spent time with and have cultivated respect.

Sisters, she is speaking.  Look at what she says about herself in vs 2:1 - I am a rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys. Notice that she uses singular nouns.  Neither a rose nor a lily grow in clusters. She says “I’m the most special woman on the face of the earth”.  In chapter 1 how did she feel about herself? “Don’t stare at me because I’m not feeling that attractive.”  Now she’s feeling beautiful and outstanding. Why?  Because this fellow has treated her so lofty.  The men in my family tend to be perfect providers and builders, but terrible at making their woman feel special.  This is a made to order condition that renders our wives vulnerable to affairs.  I had to counsel the wife of one relative (both are active in church), through her temptation, during her affair and back to restoration.  It was heart wrenching for me, because he loves his family and has worked by his hands and back for her, beyond what most men could even imagine.  But he lacks the desire for spending time with her, nor understands how to regard and respect her, or the value of elevating her.  So men, if you don’t treat her special, the devil will find someone who will.

Dating Grows into Courtship

After devoting time in dating, cultivated regard and respect, and elevating the other's self-esteem, this couple's relationship grows from dating to courting.  This woman’s esteem goes up – vs 2:2 - Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. In other words, every other woman in the world is hands off.  And you are the singular most glorified, most wonderful in all the universe. Do you think it makes a woman’s heart throb when her man tells her that?  Fellows, if you want your woman to admire you, then treat her like a singular queen.  In Vs 3, not only does her view of herself goes up, but look at what she thinks of this man.  Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men.  Meaning, no other guy meets any need that I have.  Think about it, an apple tree in a forest unlike the other trees in that forest provides nourishment in addition to shade.  Therefore she says, So, I delight to sit in his shade.  Shade denotes, he is able to comfort and care, and its apples denote he provide for her.  This is the proper attitude to a man courting a singular woman.  Ephesians 5:28 puts it like this, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”  This means your woman is to never feel afraid to get close to you.  She needs to feel assured that you will never hurt her, belittle her, or relate to her in a harsh way.  Then, submitting to you will seem like the most logical thing in the world for her to do.

She goes on to say...."and his fruit is sweet to my taste."  Meaning he nourishes her.  Imagine someone trying to hit on the woman in your life by saying, “Baby, your beauty radiates over and above a room full of super models”.  Would his rap pale to her when compared to the apple juice and shade that you provide her?

Sign of Their Courtship

He provides for her, he protects her and she says, - vs 4 He has taken me to the banquet hall. That’s an open public place.  We are no longer looking at a picnic date. They’ve jumped public to a black tie dinner (courtship).  "and his banner over me is love." - Let me tell you what this means.

·         Generals in the field would identify their troops by a banner.

·         They fought under the general and banner, because He owned them.

·         In Exodus 17:15, Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner.

This man owned this woman's heart (in a sincere affectionate sense) and she willing gave herself to him.  What was her mark of ownership?  It was his love!  Love was the banner under which she identified!  This means that in open public you can tell by the way this man treated this woman, that he loved her (courtship).  So brothers, here’s some advice:

·         Open her door, pull her chair out, and sit down with her.

·     Walk with her, not in front of her. This is your “singular rose”.

·      When you meet someone, you introduce her to them.  Don't break off in a conversation with the guys. 

·       When you marry and have kids, don't let your children challenge your wife.  Check them!

Her self-esteem and love for this man grows because he provides, comforts, protects and he promotes her.

But that’s not all that grows!

Sexual Tension Grows (Don't start singing Marvin Gaye yet!)

SS 2:5 Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love.  Raisin cakes were considered by the Jews to be an aphrodisiac, because they were full of seeds.  Pagans used raisins in worship. Hosea in 3:1 holds Israel in contempt for following after other gods with raisin cakes.  In 2 Samuel 6:19, when the father of this man, King David, returned the Ark of Covenant to Israel, he worshipped, danced his robe off and gave each person raisin cakes. And the bible said, then "all the people went home".  They knew exact what time it was after having received raisin cakes.  With the Ark restored, David expected God to bless the kingdom by broadening it, and therefore families were to "be fruitful and multiply"(now sing) .

Sex is in the air! This man’s woman is a sensuous woman who is so turned on, that she's love sick! She says he provides for me, he protects me, he promotes me.  I admire him, I love him, he makes me feel like a queen.... “give me some raisin cakes”, [because I am love sick].  That is a passionate verse which means... I want him!

SS 2:6 His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. What position is that?  It’s a sensually passionate, if not sexual, position.  One tragedy of church history was to think of God as so Holy Other, that He is not concerned about passion, and that sex was sinful, and was only for procreation.  Just ask this couple about godly passion [but first you might have to pry them apart]. This sister is all in and good to go!  So, do you think in the next verse God says "Girl, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, how dare you nurse such carnal feelings!"  Or, will the next verse say... "and receiving her clues Solomon went into her".  Though this woman wants him, look at what the next verse says: SS 2:7a Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field:  Solomon speaks of his woman as a vulnerable creature; graceful gazelle and tender brown eyed doe, as she is very much vulnerable in his arms in this position.  He goes on to say… SS 2:7b "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."  Solomon says what you are feeling is good, but it is waiting to be awakened on a later day.

See brothers, the man takes the initiative in abstinence during courtship.  Your woman is geared to respond and give herself to a man like this ....... who spends time, .......who respects , who comforts and ......who elevates her.

So, what's the fourth thing that must grow during courtship?

·         His admiration of her,

·         Her admiration of him

·         Their restraint.

The 4 things required in dating and courtship are:

1.      Time

2.      Cultivation of Respect

3.      Elevation of Self-Esteem

4.      Restraint - because the natural response to romance is to give yourself.  That's how we are made. But sexual tension must be controlled or else it will become like a raging out of control fire.

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This eight part presentation uses excerpts from Pastor Tommy Nelson's 1995 Study of Love, Sex, Marriage and Romance that's based upon the entire set of scriptures in the Song of Songs to reveal God's heart as it relates to love, sex, dating, romance and marriage. 

"Art of Dating" - Song of Songs 1:8-17, 2:1-7

 I wish when I was a teenager someone had told me that women would pursue a guy like this - SS 1:8 If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds. Meaning, “follow him”.  This guy is worthy to be chased.  

Even Christian women are divided on whether a girl should orchestrate a meeting with a guy to allow herself to be seen (a.k.a. pursuing him).  But this girl in Songs of Songs did it!

·        Have you ever seen a sister "letting her self be seen"?  Man, it's a master at work!  But the rub is, though she's a master, after a while, she begins to hate going through all that.  Especially, after she dates him, then get close enough to discover he's a real dud.

Though dating is relatively new in human history, it doesn't have to be as risky as it is.  Let's look at our couple in the Song of Songs to see 4 things that are desperately needed in dating:

Time – with no strings attached just getting to know one another.  You spend time with each other in places that don’t make provisions for the flesh.  Romans 13:13-14 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

·        I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t trust my body.

If you look in vs 12, they eat together, in vs 16-17 they have a picnic. They enjoy one another.

SS 1:12 While the king was at his table, my perfume spread its fragrance.

SS 1:16 How handsome you are, my lover!  Oh, how charming!  And our bed is verdant (meaning green, as in the grass).  

SS 1:17 The beams of our house are cedars; our rafters are firs.

The next thing you do is cultivate respect.   Fellows, the most sensual organ of woman is her mind.  And when she respects a man and regards him highly, it stimulates her romantic tendencies.  She can’t open up romantically to someone she doesn’t respect.  So, brothers what are we to say to a woman when we want to win her heart?  If you don’t know, you can look at how this man sees this woman... and what he says.... SS 1:9 I liken you, my darling, to a mare harnessed to one of the chariots of Pharaoh.

“A mare among the chariots of Pharaoh” was a white steed that led all of his army.  It was near to a “deity.” This dude is rappin’ now!  Because to her this would have meant, "you are beyond measure and value".  

Brothers, just as Pharaoh's mare is treated special, we are to treat no other woman better than the way we treat our woman.  He is actually saying, "you’re the most wonderful thing in the world", and in vs 13 she says…. “He is like a pouch of myrrh between my breast”  One of the most precious things to a woman in that day, besides her skin, was a pouch of perfume that gave her a fragrance; and myrrh was a very expensive fragrance.

He sees her as uniquely special, and she sees him as precious.  When she says “I’m at this table eating with this man and my perfume gives forth its fragrance”, do you see who the perfume is?  It’s my beloved!  To say he is like a pouch of myrrh that resting between my breast simply means that she thinks and dreams about him. He is the perfume and her dreams of him are the fragrance.

·        “You are my mare”….”You are my myrrh”  that’s how you regard each other, when cultivating respect.

Look at vs 15, this is how you respect each other.  With this cultivation you go from regarding to respecting.  SS 1:15 How beautiful you are, my darling!  Oh, how beautiful!  Your eyes are doves. When you see a dove, you are gentle towards it.  You want to reach out and hold it.  You want to treat it tenderly.  He looks at her beauty, but it is a deeper beauty that goes beyond her eyes.  This is what 1 Peter 3:4 calls “beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight”  In so many words he says “I respect you so much”.  Like one who is careful and thoughtful when handling the fragility of a dove.

In vs 16, she says “How handsome you are, my lover!”  They are best buddies.  They regard and respect each other.  So it’s should not sound strange to say, if your date can’t be your friend, then you shouldn’t want them as your mate.

Look at their outdoor picnic turn into a mansion!

They are out in the open having a picnic and she calls the greenery their luxurious bed, the tall cedars she calls the beams of the walls in their home, and the firs that grow to form a canopy she calls the rafters in the ceiling.  The man is so nice, the man is so pleasant, the man is so tactful, he is so respectful, he is such a good listener....... that, in our terminology, she says "when I am with you, I feel like a millionaire in a huge mansion".  I’m a queen and all I need is you.  Sisters, that's how you should feel about the guy you marry.  

Notice fellows, that this dude is yet to lay a hand on her yet.  He hasn’t even kissed her.  But her mind has been stimulated by him.  She feels like a millionaire in his presence.  Brothers, if you want to ruin a golden opportunity like this, here’s what you can do to ruin it.  Take it from me!  

My wife had to break me from them.  You can ruin things by:

·        Being real romantic when we want to get her.  

·        Dump loads of flowers, candy and gifts up on her while you are dating, then when she’s yours, don't show another flower until she’s 60 years old.

I have gotten many a cold shoulder from being nice only when I wanted something, because it makes her feel cheap.  I often get stuck on my hunting and conquering nature.  Men tend to stalk a woman, bait her with things, bag her, mount her on the wall, then use her to do the cooking and have our children; ….. then go off and pursue our ambition.  Don’t let this happen to your woman, be it intentional or by circumstance.  You protect her dignity, like a nation protects her queen.  How?  You do this by continually regard and respect her.  You listen to her, you weigh your words, you apologize quickly….. and try never to win an argument. Because she is the church that you are to win through acts of love, just as Christ does in winning His body.  And be 0 and 1,000 when it comes to winning arguments

When you spend time and cultivate respect and regard, it automatically results in the 3rd thing needed in dating....... and that's where we'll resume in my next post.


So stay purposed in!

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