Conflict With Your Mate "Song of Songs 5:2-16, 6:1-13"

The Problem Reacting

The Problem with Reacting is that it tends to be either hot or cold. 

A hot reaction is to return in like manner, "when they react, I'll react".  It is when the two of you collide, and no one can win; and the children can't wait to turn 18 and move out of the house.  Ultimately, one mate will subdue the other and the subdued mate will harbor bitterness.  Then 10 years into the marriage, when the aggressive mate comes home, their spouse is gone.  Reacting hot results in one mate finding delight in hurting the other.

In a cold reaction you don't have the fights.  You just turn on the ice for 10 days.  Have you been raised in a house with passive aggression (I had as a child), where everyone walks around for 10 days on egg shells because mom and dad aren't speaking?  And that's just as bad, if not worse than a hot reaction.

How do you know when you hurt your mate?  By their non-verbal communication

During our family vacation one year, we could not afford to chip in our per person portion, for staying in the luxurious oceanfront home with my wife’s family members.  It hurt her not to room with family and to have to live in a lesser quality home 12 miles away.  Yet, she never complained.  But her silence during the 12-mile ride back to the condo each night, spoke more to my heart than any number of words she could have uttered.  After the 4th night I vowed to myself never to subject her to that again.  To this moment, she has yet to complain, because her demeanor had spoken more effectively.

Single men and women.... Are you that kind of person?  Do you solve problems like Solomon had?  Or, are going to be hard to live with?  Here’s some heads-up advice:  An offended brother is more unyielding than a fortified city, and disputes are like the barred gates of a citadel - Proverbs 18:19.  Husbands, when you hurt your wife, you send shrapnel through her soul; because women experience emotions more intensely and deeply than men.  Therefore, it will take her a while to get over the pain. 

Now, for the second thing you do when you have a conflict with your wife.

Respond to God

Like Solomon did.  Don't react to her, but rather respond to God.  20 years ago my question to Solomon [when his wife denied him sex] would have been, "She did you wrong man, so why are you putting perfume on her door handles?"  I think Solomon's answer would have been something like this: "Because my standard of conduct is not my wife's standard, it’s Gods standard.  And God says to love my wife.  And that's what I'm going to do, no matter what she does."  Doesn’t this quality remind you of Jesus while being humiliated upon the cross?  While suffering he uttered no threats, rather He trusted himself to God who judges all things.  And husbands, aren't we to be like Jesus in dealing with our wives (Ephesians 5), cultivating and prompting her to respond in love?  Husbands, we are to be a person with poise.  When stressed (and our wives will stress us like the church stresses Jesus), men it is to our advantage to maintain our composure while listening to God's higher voice.  In character traits it is called magnanimity - where you are great of spirit.  Its negative counterpart is a spirit of meanness.  To be "mean" is to have the average response of a pagan man.  That was the original meaning of the word "mean"; as in an average.  It's like saying, "You are acting average!" Fellas, this is so important in your marriage.  Men and Women are not as equally as our cultural hype suggests. 

Example of Difference in Men and Women 

Fellas think about it, when brothers first meet we are cordial.   But after we get to know each other, how do we grow closer?  By insulting one another.  When two close friends approach each other, it goes something like this, "Now there goes the neighborhood!" or "You ole scoundrel, what hole have you been hiding in? Or, who left the door open?"  And when we really get close, what do we do? We hit each other.  Sisters, on the other hand, don't play that!  When was the last time you saw one woman greet each other sister in the parking lot saying, "Hey, heifer what rock did you crawl out from under!"  Never, at least without some hateration!

God made us male, and God made them female.  When a man gets hurt, he gets angry, but when you hurt your wife, it lingers.  Peter put it like this:  Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers - 1 Peter 3:7 

So fellas, we ought not react to our wife.  She is a gentle creature.  When you hurt her deeply, do everything to correct it.  You kneel... you give money..... You stop everything and go to her and ask for forgiveness.  You respond to God, not to the crowd noise of your soul.  It's called spirituality..... It's called maturity..... It's called temperance...... It's called self-control - Proverbs 12:18 - Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

What's the third thing about marital conflict we should know?

Don't Put Your "Religion" Down
Go down to vs 6 - I opened for my lover, but my lover had left; he was gone.  My heart sank at his departure.  I looked for him but did not find him.  I called him but he did not answer.  Now turn back one page to chapter 3:2-4a.  When she was in fellowship with God, things tended to flow her way and she found her husband and the watchmen helped her.  But over here in chapter 5, when she “put her religion down” by acting selfishly and barred her husband from her room because of her needs, things didn't quiet flow her way, as before.  Vs 7 - The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city.  They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls!  She says "when to watchmen found me they beat and bruised me” (We are talking about Solomon's wife here!)  It's very likely the watchmen weren't able to identify who this was lurking around the walls of Jerusalem at night wearing a cloak.  They wouldn't have known whether it was a man or woman; which explains why they took away the cloak.  Let it suffice to say that things weren't flowing in this sister’s favor.  So brothers and sisters, don’t ever put your religion down!

Stay tuned for the next principle about dealing with marital conflict?